People keep telling me God has a plan, or God has something better in store, and God wouldn’t give me anything I couldn’t handle. My favorite one is that it is in God’s hands and he will take care of it.
Ok God. So are you trying to see how much I can handle before I lose it! What ever it is! It’s hard enough trying to be strong for myself but I need to be strong for others too.
My dad is sick.
My dog is dead.
My car was totaled in the accident.
I don’t know if my physical or mental pain is more consuming.
All I ever wish for is to be alone, because I’m tired of being the person with nothing good going on with life.
And when I am with people I don’t know how, but I manage to put up a happy facade.
Nothing seems to be going according to MY plan for my life, and no matter how hard I try to fix things…it’s all out of my control.
While I realize I still have things to be thankful for, most of those things are just good because it’s taking an already shitty scenario and saying it could have been worse.
I can’t quite explain it. It’s kind of just hitting me now…I’m seeing things differently. Some things will probably never change, but at the same time I’m changing my outlook on life, just a little.
I’m ready to make some good things happen and put all the bad luck I’ve had further behind me. People keep saying how strong I am for dealing with everything. Ha, The truth is I have just been avoiding everyone as much as I can because I’ve just wanted to be alone and think. I don’t know if they think I’m really emotionless or just hoping I don’t fall apart, but it’s time to make that strength they talk about a reality.
I guess in some ways I am realizing that I really am strong and independent. I don’t think I was ever really sure of those two characteristics in myself before. Haha, Maybe I was listening to a little too much Iris, by The Goo Goo Dolls, and Unwell, by Matchbox twenty. In the Middle, by Jimmy Eat world and Better days by Citizen King where my buffer zone songs into this “epiphany”.The pain, both mental and physical, is far from gone. However, I’m not going to wait until I feel better any longer, because if I’m honest with myself I know that the pain is something I will have to live with until the day I die. And it’s quite likely this nerve damage is here to stay in my back/neck so I might as well learn to ignore it the best I can.
Time to change my new favorite tunes to ones like Keep your head up, by Andy Grammar and Sooner or Later by Mat Kearney. Then I can move on to things like One foot by Fun. Regardless, I need to let go of all the anger I’m carrying. Starting now.